The World of Dlo

Here is my post from 3-13-25. This is a gift that just keeps giving because the words on this page continue to ring true. Ironically enough, I’m still experiencing the medical issues I made reference to in this post. I saw the Neurologist this week, and I left with no resolution and the feeling of running in circles. This post came up in my memories this morning, and it was a reminder to me that no matter what I face, my God will never leave me nor forsake me.

Through the years, I knew my mom liked to write notes while attending Bible study, Church sermons, and watching her favorite preachers on TV. I saved the ones I would come across and put them in some storage bins because I knew I wanted to keep them. After she passed in September 2023, I came across more writings on index cards or just random pieces of paper while going through her belongings. Just yesterday, I was cleaning my office space, moved my desk, and noticed that a small piece of paper had fallen behind it. I picked it up, and it was one of my mom’s writings. It took my breath away because the heading at the top stated, “When trouble comes against you, encourage yourself.”

I have been dealing with unexplained health issues that led me to an urgent care clinic visit, ER, and then ultimately admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. They performed a series of tests only to come up with no answers but more questions. I continue to experience the same symptoms from when this all began, and it feels like they are progressively getting worse. After a recent follow-up with my Primary Physician, she referred me to a Neurologist and a Rheumatologist. This is the next step in finding answers to my questions.

I remember seeing this particular piece of paper on my desk, but it was folded up, and for whatever reason, I hadn’t opened it, just moved it from one spot to another. I read it and began crying because I could hear my mom telling me this. After a couple of meltdowns on the phone with the insurance company and various medical offices, I was frustrated and broken. The timing of coming upon this note was nothing short of divine intervention because I needed this reminder and encouragement.

I will keep this note close to me as a reminder that although I am weak, He is strong and in control.

During the time I lived with and cared for mom and dad, we would pass the time doing puzzles. My dad enjoyed puzzles so much that he would do the same ones over and over. That got old, so when it was time to replenish our puzzle inventory, I would get on the computer and show him Amazon. I would search for his favorite brand of puzzles and only the 750-piece puzzles or less, nothing too big, plus we didn’t have the space for anything bigger. He would make his selections and would always be amazed at how fast it would arrive. I knew I had created a monster after showing him Amazon. From that point on, for his birthday, Christmas, or Father’s Day, I would tell my siblings to get him puzzles. Every time we completed a puzzle, he would say, ” Save it in the vault.” That meant for me to take a picture of it.

After he passed 3 years ago, I had no desire to look at a puzzle, much less do one. It was maybe a few months ago that I had picked up a few puzzles from the Dollar store, thinking maybe I would do them. I picked the smaller one of 100 pieces just to try it. I did it and saved it in the vault, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t until last night, after I had a bad day and was struggling physically from the after effects of a stressful situation earlier in the day, that I thought I should try to do another one and it’s a 350-piece puzzle. As I was gathering the border pieces, I got to a point where I hit a wall. Something wasn’t looking right in one section of the border, and I had used all the border pieces I could find with the same design. I was searching through all the pieces, thinking maybe I was overlooking some. I was getting more and more frustrated, hoping that I didn’t lose a piece somehow.

I could hear my dad telling me to use a flashlight or a magnifying glass (which is what we would do) to look over the pieces to make sure they actually go together. So I used the flashlight on my phone, combing over the part of the border that wasn’t meshing right. My dad had the patience for doing this, and it usually paid off, so I had to do it too. I can’t tell you how long I did this, and I would step back and look at it, but it seemed like over an hour. Until finally, I’m again looking over the picture on the box, and something gets my attention, and sure enough, I had quite a few pieces in the wrong spot. It’s like my dad was guiding me.

As you can see, I’m just starting out on this puzzle and still have pieces to put together. It reminds me of the pieces and parts of my life. More often than not, it can look like a pile of crap, and it doesn’t make any sense. How do I put the jigsaw puzzle of my life together? Why isn’t it meshing right? Why do I feel like I’m missing some pieces? Just like last night, when I could hear my dad guiding me along, I also have Jesus’ voice that I need to be open to listening to know what to do next. Only He knows how all these pieces and parts come together.

I can’t wait to save this in the vault.

Quite a bit has changed since this post from 1-28-22. The concept of waiting is still here, but I’m in a much better place. A physical key is not needed to start my day. I don’t drive, and I work remotely from home. If I have to be at any on-site job locations, I have transportation options available to me.

I wait in anticipation for what is about to be unlocked for me. What can I contribute, and what can I take from it? What can I share and what can I learn? Will I be prepared to face it, or will I have the impulse to run?

I do my best to control what is in my power, but oftentimes things are out of my hands. If it’s out of my reach and without my approval, all I can do is pray, let it go, and wait to see what unfolds next.

I feel like I have been fighting a battle for the last 7 months. It involves a loved one who has Alzheimer’s Disease, and since being diagnosed last year in early summer, it has progressed to the point where she needs to be cared for in an assisted living and memory care facility. The fact of the matter is that I am dumbfounded as to why there has been a delay in the process for this to happen. I have heard the explanations, but they do not make sense to me. Since I am not involved in her care or her power of attorney, I can only voice my concerns and suggestions, which often feel like they are falling on deaf ears.

It is difficult to watch a loved one slowly become a shell of who they once were. On the outside, they still look like themselves, but on the inside, their mind is deteriorating, and there is nothing that can stop it. What I prayed would not happen is now happening, and that is, she is wandering out of her house. I live close, and so far she remembers how to get to my house, but one day she won’t remember, and that is the scary part. What worries me is that she just walks out of her house without any identification. If someone were to come in contact with her, they won’t know who she is, and I honestly don’t know if she would be able to say. It depends on the moment and her mental state. There have been instances where I am not home, and somehow she makes it back to her house safely. Other instances when I am home, I walk her back to her house, and she often just leaves with her doors open, or if they are closed, they are unlocked. I can tell her not to leave the house and explain to her what my work schedule is and that I will not be home, but she soon forgets when I just told her.

Each time there is an incident, my only course of action is to notify her friend, who handles her care and who lives out of state, about what is happening. Aside from that, there is no plan of action in situations like this when her friend is not here visiting. I hate the feeling of helplessness, and I get frustrated when things are not happening as fast as I think they should be. So this is the ongoing battle that I face because I want to fix this problem, and I cannot. I do what I can to visit her, make sure she takes her medications, make her food, and enjoy our time together. If I can’t go visit, I will call or text her and hope she can work her phone at that moment.

I have been recently assured that the right decisions regarding her care will be made soon. In the meantime, I will do my best for her while she is home and continue to treasure my moments with her.

It’s time for me to stop battling, let go and give this to God.

I have always been into makeup ever since I can remember. Once I started middle school, that’s when I started to experiment with makeup, but I had to keep it a secret because my mom didn’t allow me to wear makeup at that time. I would have to wait until I got to school to put it on, and before I got home, I had to wash it off. I would get my inspiration from my friends at school and how they did their makeup and hair. I still remember to this day being fascinated by this one girl who had a cordless curling iron. I just thought that was the coolest thing!

Then, at the start of high school, I was given permission to wear makeup, so no more hiding! The fashion, makeup, and hair game had to be elevated. I tried my best to keep up with the trends, but unfortunately, I didn’t have the financial means, so I had to be creative with what I had.  I remember my best friend got a spiral perm, and I wanted to be just like her, so I begged and begged my mom to take me to get one. She warned me that it wasn’t going to work and it wasn’t going to look like my friend’s hair. I finally convinced her to take me, and sure enough, she was right. My hair looked nothing like how I had pictured it would, and it looked more like Bob Ross, but shoulder-length. I learned my lesson, no more perms!

I had a guy who used to cut my hair all throughout high school who was a stylist at the nearby mall. I remember telling him I couldn’t wait until I graduated because I wanted to cut my hair short. My mom told me I could do whatever I wanted after I graduated. He would do hair shows, so he was ready to use me as a guinea pig. My hair at the time was about to the middle of my back. He would slowly start cutting it shorter until, eventually, after I graduated in 1989, we ended up with a short bob with an exaggerated angle in the back. I loved it, and I felt so free! This was only the beginning of my hair journey, and I continued to experiment with different styles, and at one point where I basically had a mohawk, but I wore it down because I was working and I had to look professional. I remember this one coworker of mine used to call me Baldy! He was just jealous because it was my choice, and he was balding at a young age.

Let’s not forget fashion! I had a friend who worked at JCPenney’s, and in the junior department, they had the Mix It brand. It was a combination of oversized neon color blazers, short miniskirts, palazzo pants, and big accessories to match. I think I spent my whole paycheck there. I wasn’t afraid to experiment with my fashion, and I felt so confident being bold and unapologetic with my hair, makeup, and fashion.

I still feel this way to this day, despite not having the opportunity to dress up anymore, since I don’t go out much, and I primarily work from home. I do still wear makeup and still find inspiration on several social media platforms. I love it because I will see a look that gets my attention, and I will do my best to copy it or do some variation of it. It all comes down to never stopping wanting to learn something new, being creative, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

I will even take it a step further to say that makeup can be very calming for me. When I’m not feeling quite myself or I’m having a hard time getting motivated in the mornings, I can start to do my skincare and makeup, and that will make all the difference. Even at the end of the day, when I remove my makeup and do my night skincare routine, I feel a peaceful vulnerability. A blank canvas.

I’ve mentioned before that the Thanksgiving season has never been the same for me ever since the passing of my dad three years ago. I choose to not be around people during that time and enjoy just being alone for the holiday. This year, I decided I shouldn’t be so selfish, so I spent the day with a relative who also lives alone and took some turkey breast and a couple of sides. I was reminded to be thankful not just during this season, but every day. I need to be more mindful of giving thanks upon waking up for having the breath of life, my health, and for my family and friends. To be thankful for my job instead of complaining that it’s not my ideal situation. To be grateful for the roof over my head that I’ve been blessed with to make my own home.

I recently purchased a futon for the guest room, and online it looked perfect, and it was the right price and within my budget. I also had to consider that I was going to have to pay an additional fee to have it assembled. After seeing it put together, I realized it wasn’t what I had expected, and I immediately saw the issues and began to feel uneasy about the purchase. I even went to Walmart and purchased a mattress topper in hopes I could make it work. Much to my dismay, the mattress topper is too big and literally hangs off quite a bit. So, now I need to go back and return the mattress topper for a smaller size. In the midst of this, I began to contemplate whether I should return it and how much of a hassle it would be. This evening, I got to the Walmart website and initiated a chat session and explained to the agent my situation, and inquired if I did a return, if it would be picked up. The catch was that the contractor who put it together took the box it came in. Well, the agent placed me on hold in the chat for a while as he consulted with a supervisor. He reported to me that they authorized a full refund, which included the purchase and the assembly fee, and that it wasn’t necessary to return the futon. I was beyond shocked and amazed at the service Walmart provided to me.

I have been going back and forth with guilt because I didn’t realize the actual layout of the bed portion of the futon before I purchased it, and I feared that I had made a mistake. I paid for this item that I’m not happy with, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been stressed because I need to have something in the guest room before my family comes to stay in a couple of weeks. It has been a bit overwhelming, so after having the chat with Walmart, I felt so much more at ease and realized there is no need to waste any more energy stressing over this. Everything will be okay, and it will work out.

There is a scripture in the Bible that is one of my favorites, 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” I just need to learn to release all of my guilt, worries, and fears to God and instead give thanks to Him for all he has done for me, and be thankful that He continues to show His love, goodness, and mercy upon me.

Thank You, Lord.

Just face it, deal with it, and don’t let it paralyze you. I keep telling myself this pretty much at the start of every November. My anxiety was creeping up because ever since Dad passed away in November 2022, this month has never been the same. The recurring memory of him being placed under Hospice care on the eleventh day, and also the same day, I discovered the severity of his condition and the physical care that was going to be required of me. I was scared, but I didn’t have time to process it. I had to do this for my dad, and nothing was going to stop me. On the sixteenth day, we celebrated his eighty-seventh birthday. After his birthday, I remember the feeling of the end coming closer, and on the twenty-sixth day, my dad passed away.

I have not fully allowed myself to grieve for my dad. It will come in short clips of memories, or if I am in his cuartito (work shed) and I feel him in there because he spent most of his time there, or if I’m reading his composition books or looking through his keepsakes that I kept. I will do all in my power to compose myself and move on. I don’t have a reason for this. I guess I don’t want to feel the pain or stir up the feelings that come with it.

This year, I have done my best to distract myself, so I put up the Christmas tree the second week of November and have slowly been adding decorations throughout the house. I have been keeping myself busy with work, organizing my house, and working on being more intentional with improving myself in every aspect of my life. Indeed, holidays are not the same when your loved ones are no longer here to share them with. My remedy over the last two years, since my mom passed away, is to be alone, and I prefer that over being surrounded by people. After much thought, this year I decided I will spend Thanksgiving with one of my loved ones who also lives alone and doesn’t spend time with family. It will be good for both of us.

I will continue on the journey of facing down my anxiety and fears and not allowing them to consume me. I choose to live more.

I woke up this morning on a mission to put the recycling bin out on the curb for a loved one who is unable to do so themselves. She might be able to do it herself if it’s not too heavy to move, but her memory is the issue. She cannot keep track of which bins are collected on each day. She has Alzheimer’s Disease, and her short-term memory is affected. I was there on Saturday, and as I was placing her plastic trash collection from her kitchen into the bin, I noticed it was pretty full. I have to wait until the day of collection because I noticed that when I put the bin out the day before, she will bring it in, thinking it has already been collected. For some reason, she would even see that it is still full, but she gets confused. I was hoping to not wake her because she gets startled, and that can cause her to get an anxiety attack. I did my best to be quick and as quiet as possible, and thankfully, she did not hear me.

She called me around lunchtime, and she had no clue that I had gone over this morning. I told her I was there and that her trash was already collected. The conversations we have are on repeat, but in her mind, it is the first time we are talking about them. This last time I was at her house over the weekend, she was adamant that she wants to sell her house and go to an Assisted Living facility so she can be taken care of. I was encouraging her and stating that it was a great idea, and we were going over all the perks. A few months ago, she went on a tour of a facility, and she often speaks of it and how nice it would be to live there. She will sound very convincing that she is ready to go, but from one minute to the next, she will change her mind. Sure enough, this morning, in speaking to her on the phone, she said a mutual friend of hers is mad at her because she will not go to an Assisted Living facility. Without any hesitation, she stated that she wants to stay in her house and she is not ready to go anywhere. The conversation with her friend sparked her to feel anxious and upset, and the more she spoke of it, the louder she got. I had to be quick and find a way to calm her down.

It is all about the distractions, so I interrupted her and asked her to go to her kitchen and make sure she had her insulin pens on the table. I began to walk her through taking her insulin medication and her oral medications, which I am sure she forgets unless I call or her friend calls her. Then I went on to talk about the weather, and she forgot all about being upset just minutes before.

My hope and prayer is that she will go into an Assisted Living facility because it is not safe for her to be on her own. She will have a better quality of life where she is taken care of, getting a more stable diet, and they will make sure she is getting her medications daily. It is difficult to watch how your loved one can be consumed by a disease that overtakes their mind. It is even more difficult when you do not have any power to do anything. I have to release my feelings of frustration and worry to God because only He has the power to handle this situation.

This is only one of many tunes that keep coming up on repeat shuffle in my life. There is always something that keeps trying to trip me up, discourage and disappoint me, test my patience, and push me to go off and say what I truly feel and think. But yet, I find myself yelling and crying out to God about what I do not understand and asking why this or why that, because it can be all-consuming.

God, help me to quiet the noise that surrounds me so that I can hear the clarity only You can provide as my world turns.

This may sound ridiculous, but I said yes to two different invitations within the past week. One of them occurred yesterday, which was a small gathering at my boss’s house with plenty of food and great company. My second invitation was from a sister at Church, and she invited me to a Friendsgiving event next weekend. This is not something I would normally seek out to go to on my own. The invitation quite honestly took me by surprise. The gesture is sweet, so I felt I really should attend, and it will allow me to reconnect with the ladies from Church in person rather than when I see them on our Zoom Sunday School class.

In the past, I have never had any hesitations with going out and socializing, whether it be with family or friends, but over the years, it has become apparent to me that I get a little anxious with the thought of it. I presume it is because I am used to being by myself, and I am comfortable being in my own company. I am happy and content and do not need constant social interaction to fill any void. I know there can be a balance between being alone and socializing, but I prefer to take baby steps and choose accordingly.

A factor that plays a role for me is location. Since I am unable to drive due to my visual impairment, I have to be more mindful of where I am going. I need to determine if the transportation service I utilize goes to that area. If so, I need to schedule at least 24 hours in advance, and the ride can take up to 2 hours, so I need to plan accordingly. If the transportation service does not provide service to the area I need to go to, then my backup is Lyft/Uber, which involves a higher fee. One of my many dreams has been to have my own personal driver(s) available when I need to go anywhere. I think of driving Miss Daisy.

My life takes a village, and I’m a one-woman show.